Long time HMT contributor and volunteer Steve has been creating a series around mental health for the magazine Metal Digest. Now this has come to a close we summarise his story here and share a bit more:
For some time now, have suffered anxiety, panic attacks and low mood, this was mostly brought on by life; things I experienced in life and life choices or circumstances.
I was at school from the 70’s to early 90’s and I was physically abused or assaulted by more than one pupil while I was there. Then in my early 20’s a close friend of mine took his own life and the trauma it left me has never left me to this day. This is part of the reason why I work in mental health today.
A few more years later I was bullied by a colleague I worked with when I was a skilled manual welder for 14 years, and this coupled with an abusive relationship, took its toll on my mental health. I didn’t realise that these experiences, going back to school, had caused me to develop anxiety, and I eventually learned that I was experiencing Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder means that you could have suffered a number of traumatic events in your lifetime that leaves its mark on an individual’s mental health. At first I didn’t know how to feel about this, and I felt a little shell shocked because I didn’t know there was a name for how I felt.
On Anxiety – I have come to realise that having anxiety is ok. I shouldn’t self-depreciate, lots of people suffer anxiety to some degree or level and I regularly suffer low mood or what I call ’emotional slumps’. For example, if I have good nights out with friends, or go to live gigs or festivals, the emotional high of enjoying these and then coming back to the real world and getting on with the hum drum of life can be a low point. These can last a few days or a few weeks, but I always know they’ll pass and this is because I’ve learned to acknowledge them and do things as best I can to lift my mood or distract myself. It can be watching stand-up comedy, talking to a friend or I love a walk in the countryside with my dog. I appreciate that not everyone can find ways to lift their mood, but what I am saying is not to give up hope and know that the dark cloud you feel is hanging over you is going to drift away.
I get anxiety in all kinds of areas like meeting people for the first time, going out to meet friends for a night out, and a fair bit of overthinking about stuff. Also, I am still learning to take my foot off the gas and have some self-care time. I’ve come to realize recently that due to the high demand of my role in a mental health community team, this can be taxing on my mental health, and I am still learning to recognise when this is building. It’s like a black tide creeping up a river and before I know it, I feel low, fed up, overly emotionally sensitive, and have trouble listening and taking in what people say. I might be getting cross at people or things that don’t usually bother me, and I find it difficult to sleep (I can fall asleep, but I can’t stay asleep for long and lay awake in my bed), plus thinking normally or logically can be a problem too. But since I began to recognise this happening my resilience with it, or bouncing back to being my usual self, has got a lot better. I liken it to being in a fast-flowing swirling river and trying to reach out and grab a tree branch or a rock so I can stop and get out of this river. I also realised I need to be kinder to myself and remember some of the challenges I face, like a demanding job.
On Social Isolation – I have managed my difficulties with social isolation by taking a ‘baby steps’ approach. I joined in person and online groups, many with an alternative music/metal focus, and made these part of my routine. Some of them I eventually started to help run. I also tried to make new friends, and reconnect with long-time friends. I am very grateful to the people who run these groups, if you are reading this I hope you know how much the support means to me, and the friendships we have formed are important to me to this day.
I began rebuilding my social network piece by piece, which at my age (47 at the time) had its challenges as others of around my age often had other long term friends or families or children of varied ages. In Leeds the metal scene wasn’t that obvious to me and the alternative club I had been to had shut down due to lack of interest, and the venue then pulled the plug, which ruled out club nights for me. I decided I would have to go a bit further afield and went to a number of social gatherings organised in Nottingham, and met some amazing people. I have to say I gravitated towards others that had gone through similar traumatic times and thus became good friends. I occasionally returned to Northampton, but this was not somewhere I wished to live or call home anymore, despite it holding good memories (the first pubs I went to when I was old enough to drink, I got my first tattoo, grew my hair long, my first live gig (Def Leppard with Gun supporting), my first festival (Donnington Monsters of Rock)). But I didn’t let this disconnect defeat me – I had managed to get my life in some kind of stability and I wanted that to continue. I had to work on myself and admit I needed some mental health help, speaking to professionals and getting a diagnosis of CPTSD. Through talking to friends and family I had learned not to bottle stuff up, to reach out, and not get trapped in my own overthinking which can twist things out of the realms of reality.
I knew that I had good days and bad days, and I also began to realise I could internally monitor my own feelings and thoughts. Today I imagine a bucket inside my head, and I monitor stuff that mentally goes in it. Before all my stressors and anxieties spill over, I will recognise this and do something to relieve it, like going for a walk in the countryside or woods or reading history books (this is what works for me though, and everyone is different).
I went to my first Bloodstock festival, and to start with I had to adjust to being around so many people. Thanks to a close friend and his fiancée, who looked after me the whole festival, I had an absolute blast and it was great to be around like minded people. I have gone every year since, almost like a mini holiday or pilgrimage. I then began to go to gigs with or without friends, travel from my city to right across the country to spend time with friends. I now live for this as I know it helps maintain my mental health and is like a metaphorical tool kit for my noggin. My other tool for wellbeing is my dog, I’m now on my second rescue dog who knows me so well and helps me in an almost therapeutic way, he is registered as my mental wellbeing dog.
During my journey combating social isolation, I have also listened to others who have similar struggles – perhaps through illness or traumatic relationships. There are so many reasons why friends might find it difficult to keep in touch, I have learned the value of friendship, especially people who are there for you in tough times. As I look back at my step by step approach, I am able to feel pride in the process and think to myself that ‘I did that’ – if you are going through social isolation I hope that this story helps give you some ideas on what might help, and to realise that you are not alone.
The End to my Journey so Far – I’ve done a fair bit of self-reflection and growth. I know what my symptoms of Complex PTSD are, and I continually analyse and work on them to the best of my ability or growing knowledge. Since last time I have come to the top of the list waiting for therapy. However, I have been informed that this is not, as I hoped, specifically geared for CPTSD. This means that if I were to self-fund instead it would cost me thousands, which for me is unaffordable. I am sure that I am not alone in this predicament? I have already done Cognitive Analytical Therapy 4 years ago which if I’m honest helped me immensely, but the Therapist has since retired.
I am doing well at work and getting amazing feedback from my line manager and team manager for my approach supporting the people on my caseload with severe mental health problems. My line manager recently attended a visit with a service user and gave me good feedback on my listening skills, and my ability to notice things like body language of my clients. I adapt my plans to each individual and use humour where appropriate. These moments help me to appreciate how far I have come, and I acknowledge that I don’t give myself credit. When I get compliments, my standard reply is by saying “well that’s how someone should behave” or “this is how I am with friends, or all my service users”.
I have realised that my life has moved on so much in the last 3 years and the old me has caught a bus and left town, I am now awaiting an apprenticeship in either Mental Health Nursing or Occupational therapy. I am now eight months into a loving, very happy, healthy balanced relationship with a very special lady who gets me and I her. I am getting over expecting things to go wrong and understand that that’s just the trauma talking. The positive experiences in this relationship are helping me to overcome some of that trauma. I feel proud of myself for achieving this new chapter in my life with this relationship, we are taking the same kind of baby steps approach I did in rebuilding my life. And so far, it’s working well.
I have worked really hard to improve “me”, and it shows in my relationship with my children and how we interact with each other. If they are challenging, I don’t have to raise my voice, I just try and tell them from an alternative perspective what they are saying or doing is not right. They really miss me and love me and show me in all kinds of little ways when I see them. I saw them this week and I have to say my eldest son blew me away, at 15 he was able to confide something important to me and I can say “You are still my son, no matter what happens, I feel it is my job as your Dad to nurture and guide you into adulthood, to show you I am a responsible, stable, and hopefully inspirational father to you”. He is able to ask me questions about family matters. What this says to me is my son, who used to never share things like this with me, trusts me enough to reach out and ask questions to me he wouldn’t with others, and I feel happy that our bond and relationship has changed into what it is.
I now enjoy and look forward to time with friends and family, my partner, gigs and festivals with no pre-thought anxiety. Anything that occurs during these occasions I am well capable of working through it, I know my limits mostly and know I can get there with the things I am still working on. I know I have good days and bad and my resilience as at its best for a long time. I am looking forward to helping HMT with their new Leeds peer support group as a facilitator, which is another way to use my lived experience to share with others.
Heavy Metal Therapy 